Small Knowledge

Title: Small Knowledge
Author: diehard
Category: MSR/Vignette
Keywords: the truth at last
Spoilers: S7, but let’s pretend all things never happened, Pre-Requiem.


It’s a feeling I can’t shake…bone-deep, a longing for something I can’t even define. I’m restless, reckless, wanting to be anywhere but where I am at the time. My heart beats wildly and my hands shake, and all the while I have a feeling of waiting for something to start… I want something, I need something, but I’m not sure what it is.

No, that’s a lie. I know what I long for, but I’m afraid. And I don’t need strength, I need courage, courage to face myself, courage to face the signs.

My dreams are filled with strange images. In one, I am walking along the top of an enormous dam. On one side is a town and on the other is a vast, menacing, deep ocean. I plunge off the dam, and instead of being terrified, I’m excited, liberated. I plunge into the water, and the water’s warm, a baptism.

In another, I’m shrouded in linen on an examining table. A man begins to slowly, unwrap me, layer by layer, embracing me when I’m finally free. I revel in his touch, crave it as I come alive once and for all.

In yet another dream and I am in a small plane, piloted by a man whose face I can’t see. We fly through thick cloud cover and I am confused, until the plane rises through the clouds, and the stars and planets and galaxies wheel before me. I turn to him and say, “Now I understand.”

I’m seeing something, some change that I can’t resist. I was afraid before, even though I’ve always known it was inevitable….For the first time in my life, what I want isn’t something I can control.

Now I understand.

It seems like an eternity, but I get up from where I’m sitting, pick up the phone and finally do the one thing that make sense, ask for the one thing I need.

“Mulder, it’s me.”